It’s the night before Thanksgiving and I promise myself to go easy on the food to save room for a feast the next night.

But then I get drunk, and all logical boundaries I set for myself are thrown out to the curb.

Conveniently, New York is not good at enforcing logical boundaries either. We live in closets, sun bathe on tar-rooves, sleep like vampires and don’t enforce mayoral term-limits.

In my future home of Los Angeles I’d be lucky to survive a week living the way I live here.

Let’s compare & contrast:

MY NIGHT OUT: NYC        vs.        MY NIGHT OUT: LA

NYC 9:30pm- Finish work with Doug, call up some friends to meet us for a drink.

LA 9:30pm-  Finish complaining about work with Doug, call up some friends to meet for a drink.

NYC 9:35pm- Walk to Wilfie & Nell, run into Greg Tuculescu on the street. Wilfie & Nell is bursting at the seems with cute girls. Too crowded to stay, but not too crowded to do a lap around the bar pretending like we’re looking for someone.

LA 9:35pm- Get into separate cars to go to a bar I’ve never heard of.

NYC 9:45pm- Recruit Greg to come with us for the evening. Go across the street to Kettle Of Fish, start drinking dark ale.

LA 9:45pm- Sitting in traffic. Almost get in a car accident.

NYC 10pm- Run into an old friend from when I worked at the Daily Show, Adam Lowitt, who’s with Wyatt Cenac, current Daily Show correspondent!

LA 10pm- See Greg sitting in traffic on the freeway also! I wave to him, he can’t see me. I start honking. Everyone starts honking. A middle aged home insurance salesman can’t take the honking anymore, commits suicide two cars down from me.

LA 10:15pm- Get to the bar, can’t find parking. Almost get in a car accident.

LA 10:30pm- Find parking with very strict parking regulations. Try to understand the sign, pretty sure I’m legally parked. Like 90% sure.

LA 10:33pm- Walk past Frank DeCaro, former Daily Show correspondent!

LA 10:35pm- Get to the bar, it’s packed to the brim with gorgeous girls. Too crowded to stay, but not too crowded to do a lap around the bar and then remember we just paid a $10 cover to get in and there’s a 10 car pile-up on the highway from the Insurance Rep suicide. Decide to stay at crowded bar.

NYC 10:45pm- A guy from Murray’s Cheese Shop walks in with 4 bags full of leftovers from the day at Murray’s. He takes a liking to us and gives us 6lbs. of flaky cheese croissants for free. I eat 3 flaky cheese croissants and am more in love with Murray’s than I already was.

LA 10:45pm- A guy from Mo-Ray’s Cocaine Shop walks in and takes a liking to us, because we’re clearly not going to get girls to talk to us without it. He offers a good deal on 6 pounds of cocaine. I eat 3 pounds of cocaine because I don’t know how cocaine works.

NYC 11pm- My girlfriend Rachel and Doug’s girlfriend Nicole meet up with us and bring along some other excellent friends. We keep drinking. I switch to scotch.

LA 11pm- I vomit and get kicked out of cool L.A. bar. Call my roommate DC to come pick me up. Crack open a beer to sober up and punch things because I did in fact get a parking ticket.

LA 11:30pm- DC gets lost. Almost gets in a car accident.

NYC 11:40pm- Nicole says she wants a burger from 5 Guys down the street. Three drinks and an appetite whetted by flaky cheesy bread, and I tell her she’s a fuckin genius. She checks her iPhone, finds out it closes at Midnight. . I scream like the fat child I am because I don’t think I have time to go home and get my camera AND get back to 5 guys to order.

LA 11:40pm- I tell DC to stay where he is, I’ll meet him. Forget I’m wasted, decide to drive. Almost get in a car accident.

NYC 11:41pm- I decide to SPRINT home. My legs are woozy from drinking, but farts and burps propel me at super sonic speeds. My long winter coat makes me appear like a super hero, so civic-minded people clear a path on the sidewalks.

LA 11:41pm- Actually get in a car accident.

NYC 11:44pm- Terrible heart burn sets in. Begin to walk briskly. No longer look like a super hero.

LA 11:44pm- Still drunk and pretty hyper from eating cocaine, I remember how much I want a burger! But when does it close? Check iPhone. There’s no reception. THERE’S NEVER ANY RECEPTION.

NYC 11:50pm- Get my camera. Would like to be a super hero again, so I take a hit from my bowl.  It works. I SPRINT out the door and to 5 Guys.

LA 11:50pm- iPhone works again inexplicably. There’s an In & Out burger joint in Hollywood open till midnight! I’ve got 10 minutes to get there, I decide to SPRINT in my car, and flee the scene of the accident.

NYC 11:55pm- Think I’m not going to make it, running down Bleeker Street burping, farting, screaming.

LA 11:55pm- Traffic. Haven’t sprinted anywhere. Haven’t moved past one intersection yet. Despite driving at less than 1 mph, almost get into a car accident.

NYC 11:59pm- Run into 5 Guys burger joint as they’re getting ready to lock the doors. My friends cheer as I arrive… or maybe they’d been mid cheer for their burgers. I catch my breath, order the double burger with ketchup, mayo, pickles, sautéed mushrooms and onions and a fountain Diet Coke (and ¼ Root Beer).

NYC 12-12:30am- Eat my kickass backyard BBQ style double patty, some of Shannon’s greasy ass fries, the awesome free salted peanuts and try to stop sweating. This place is drunk heaven.

LA 12am-12:30am- Get full body cavity searched by the police because I’m wearing “black” sneakers. This place is drunk hell.

NYC 12:30am- 1am- Hang out in 5 Guys way too long after closing. Get dirty looks from the staff. They’re powerless to stop us.

LA 12:30am-1am- In the back of the squad car, really breezing through traffic! Ask if we can stop for a burger. They decide to beat me with nightsticks instead.

NYC 1am-2am- Walk around West Village with Rachel, stop in Jane Tavern for nightcap.

LA 1am-2am- Left to die on side of highway. Crawl barely alive to nearest establishment to call an ambulance. They say it was last call at 1:30 and I’m going to have to wait till morning.

NYC 2am- Head home with Rachel.

LA  4:37am- I get a blood transfusion at the hospital. But it’s got AIDS.

LA 7am- The 10 car pile up on the interstate has led to massive rioting, wild fires and an earthquake. Chaos ensues. Societal order determined by death battles in Thunderdomes.

LA 9am- The In & Out burger opens again. I FINALLY get to have a burger.

CONCLUSION: It will take me almost 10 hours longer to get my drunk burger in LA vs NY!!! WHATTHEWHATNOW???!?

FIVE GUYS BURGERS & FRIES: 296 Bleecker St, off 7th ave.